so im not generally a smoker i used to smoke socially and the number of cigs i have a month hovered around like 4-8 per month depending on the number of gigs i would go to. but i think i might have had my last cigarette and joint ever on April 10th 2026.
i think ive fucked up my tonsils quite badly. im heavily at risk for needing a tonsillectomy because of the last few months. and all my flareups have been because i shared a cigarette with someone (probably).
it peaked in january when i was in kochi and i learnt how to roll my own cigs and god they were so nice i love(d) smoking rolled cigarrettes like the entire process of it was so nice and in kochi i just didnt have like a pack of cigs because i couldnt find them in any shop so i just asked some friends of mine from goa to bring me a pack of rolling tobacco and some papers and my friend also gave me a bunch of menthol filters which holy shit were so nice, i learnt how to roll pretty decently but like they would still roll a bit loose but then they were fine like they got the job done, i realllllllllly liked smoking my own rolled cigs i was so proud of them and i always got a nicotine rush from them.
I gave the pack of tobacco id gotten from my friend to someone else so that once i was back in blr i would not smoke anymore and people called me an idiot for just giving an expensive ass packet of american spirit tobacco to someone just because they paid for my dinner. i didnt really smoke after that like i cant remember but then i probably smoked a regular cig when i was around azan or someone else at indiranagar social or something
then in feb when i was in bombay for slingshot festival i reallllllly got back into it because i was so drunk and there was this nice person with really pretty jewelry that i wanted to talk to so i asked if she had rolling paper and tobacco and so id just borrow it from her to roll myself a cig and i didnt really even want to smoke that bad but like the social interaction that was involved was way easier if there was a cigarrete involved like asking someone for a lighter is such a nice interaction they always try and get u to light up theyll ask their friends if they have a light or if its dire theyll light your cig with theirs and thats like too intimate good god but like do you get the idea? anyways so at the end of the 2nd day of the festival there was an after party at my friends place and in her living room some artists (that i simply will not name but this artist is like an idol to me i literally flew to bombay just to see them perform) were setting up their rolling setup this shit was an assembly line of joints the type of shit youd see happen in a shrishti dorm room where theres 8 people and 4 joints rotating between them just maximal weed efficiency and no regard for saliva as a vector for bacterial and viral infections and so i was in there in the assembly line recieving the dutchie on my right hand and passing it on to my left hand side getting crossfaded on that and some disgusting orange vodka and ORS mixture that some guy made.
in the next two days. on feb 25th. i drank some water and it felt like i was swallowing glass and i knew i fucked up. on feb 28th i flew back to blr and gave a 3h lecture on signal, tone, gain while i was on antibiotics for the acute tonsillitis and then the next morning on march 1st i woke up and had lost my voice completely, the infection had spread to my larynx and now i had laryngitis as well. i saw an ent after that and continued general antibiotics for the next 2 weeks and really tried not to smoke while i was in goa but i did take a few drags very carefully still because i had not accepted that i should not smoke anymore. i was basically fine after that and by mid march my infection had died down and by the first week of april i was almost back to normal, i would still take a few drags of a cig from the person infront of me if i was drunk enough and it was reallllly nice still.
on april 10th i felt like i was fully back, i was smoking cigs and passing them to literally anyone whod ask me for it and i was sharing my beer with my friends and i was drinking theirs just utter disregard for the fact that i had just recovered from a pretty bad infection i literally lost my fucking voice i couldnt speak for an entire week and i was still taking drags of cigs and sharing beers with people. and then on 12th i drank some water and i could feel it water and food brushing against my newly inflaming tonsils and i knew i fucked up again. by tuesday i had fevers hitting 102. i saw the same ent again on the wednesday after that on 15th april and they told me i'd just been on antibiotics for a while last month so i should just try managing the infection with betadine and antipyretics and if it got worse then i should start amoxicillin to try and get it under control.
on the 16th i woke up and my throat was so swollen that i could barely swallow my saliva and my fevers had started hovering around 103 for several hours. the fever started around 12 am on thursday and hit 102, went down to 98 by 5am and then climbed back up to 103 by 8am and kept climbing to 104 till 10am. i finally went and saw a doc at manipal and was advised to get started on IV antibiotics and antipyretics immediately. i got these meds OPD first and even after the IV antibiotics and antipyretics my fever only came down to 101.5 and then i headed home for the evening and then right after dinner at like 10PM i felt really bad chills and the fever was now climbing beyond 104, it hit 104.3 and i asked to be taken to the hospital immediately. i got admitted to the hospital and was put on IV paracetamol and it got my temp down a little bit and i was able to sleep finally but the pain was extremely bad it felt like my tonsils were touching eachother and it felt like they would stick to eachother and unstick when i tried to swallow something and it was really fucking painful. i spent the weekend there and by the third day i had gone 24 hours without a fever and the swelling wasnt so bad and so i finally got discharged on the 22nd. This visit cost me 94,000 INR. luckily my corporate insurance covered most of it. but still, the financial and physical toll of this was fucking brutal.
ive never been that dehydrated in my life. when it hit 104.3 i really just wanted it to be the end. like i had had enough and wouldve just preferred if it was over in the sense that it would never need to be over again. i think i might have given up absolutely on my will to live for the first time then, and i think it hasnt really come back fully yet. i remember what it was like when i had it, but i dont think ill ever gain access to that same will to live and survive again.
anyways
i dont think ill be smoking again. or i could just get my tonsils removed and see a psych again about the depression and get it sorted but id rather just not smoke again and then betadine gargle when i get home after kissing someone and then salt water gargle every night and then just pretend that the way things are are how things will always be but like yeah you get the idea anyways this was fun